I worked as a sales associate in the children’s department of a big department store when I was in college. For the most part, it was an easy job that gave me a little time to study when the store wasn’t too busy. On some days things were quiet and mothers would shop while their kids sat on little stools in front of the Sesame Street display and watched the show. Other days were a little more hectic and it was on one of those days, a woman came into the store with a wrinkled bag and tossed it down on the counter. She immediately placed her hand on her hip and I noted the scowl on her face. When I asked if I could help her, she launched into her tale of dissatisfaction regarding the purchase of some pants for her daughter. When I asked for her receipt, she began yelling. “I just bought these pants yesterday!! Doesn’t your store keep a record of these things??” I began to try and explain the store policy, but she cut me off. “What do you mean I can’t return them? I’ve been a customer for years and nobody has ever asked me for a receipt to make a return!”
Now I had just begun my studies in psychology at the time, but I didn’t need training in psychology to see that this lady was angry. While I realized she was angry, she wasn’t really angry with me. She didn’t even know me. I was just a clerk in a store. To my knowledge, in the few words I had managed to get out during our brief interaction, there was no way I could have caused this level of anger and frustration. I did the only thing that occurred to me to do in the moment. I said, “I can see you are really frustrated. I know you shop here a lot, and I’m sure coming here to return something is probably the last thing you want to do right now.” To my shock, the woman’s face changed. She looked down and tears filled her eyes. She told me that her daughter needed the pants for a holiday recital the next night. She had just come from the hospital, where her mother was being treated for cancer, and she hadn’t told her daughter yet that Grandma wouldn’t be at the concert. It registered in that moment that she had way bigger things going on in her life, and I could feel the pain that she was feeling in that situation. I don’t remember how the interaction went after that, but that’s when I first realized what a powerful tool validation is, and how it can effectively diffuse intense emotions in difficult situations. Validation is defined as recognition or affirmation that a person, their feelings or their opinions, are valid or worthwhile. This is a basic building block for effective communication. It’s very important in a difficult interaction that you demonstrate through words or actions that you accurately heard what was said and affirm that the other person has a valid reason to feel or behave accordingly. Consider what happens in a typical conflict situation. Andrea tells Leann that she is upset Leann hasn’t returned a book she borrowed from her as she needed to read it for a book club she was planning on attending. Upon hearing this, Leann says that Andrea never told her that she needed the book back by a certain time. Andrea responds by saying that she did tell Leann that she needed it back for the book club, and that this is typical of Leann not to remember. Leann then feels offended and upset that Andrea says this is typical of her, and begins to relay all of the times she has felt offended and upset by Andrea in the past. In this interaction, two people are talking at and responding to what they hear rather than really listening to what the other person is saying. I typically find that when someone is expressing anger or other more intense emotions, they typically just want to be heard and understood. Many people have the experience of being told why they shouldn’t feel the way that they do, or even worse, people responding with their own thoughts and opinions as if they never heard what was said. Now consider what happens if Leann responded to Andrea with some validation. If she said something like, “Wow I totally forgot! I’m so sorry you didn’t have the book in time to go to the book club. I know you were looking forward to it.” This communicates to Andrea something that she didn’t say, but Leann picked up from her response and the context of their relationship. Saying something like this validates Andrea’s right to be upset with her friend, and works towards repairing the situation with an apology. Simply communicating what you heard someone say is not necessarily validation, but trying to reflect that you understand the emotions behind what someone is saying can go a long way towards resolving interpersonal issues effectively.
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AuthorDr. Kim Guarascio, PhD is a New York State Licensed Psychologist who has been providing treatment for teens, young adults and adults for nearly 20 years in Central New York. The focus of her professional career has been centered on the empowerment of women, particularly those who have experienced trauma and abuse. Archives
November 2023
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