You are at a party with a bunch of friends you haven’t seen in a while. You have been having fun catching up with some folks and head to get yourself an adult beverage and something to eat. That’s when it happens. Your guard is down, you’re relaxed and having a good time, and about to help yourself to some chips and guacamole when you hear the voice from over your shoulder. It’s a friend of a friend from high school, and she says: “Oh! I wish I could be like you and just eat what I want and not care about how I look!” You can almost hear people around you suck in air and tense up waiting for you to respond. You instantaneously feel redness rising in your checks as flaming anger flashes through your body. You were just on the receiving end of a zinger, shot, dig, and felt the cool breeze of shade thrown in your direction. Most of us have been in this situation. It’s a real challenge and responding to it can be an even bigger challenge. When someone displays a pattern of indirectly expressing negative emotions rather than openly addressing them it is considered passive aggressive behavior. It can take many forms, such as seeming to agree to do something and then procrastinating or dragging their feet in getting it done; frequent criticizing, complaining about being underappreciated, and being disagreeable or irritable. Given the backhanded nature of the behavior, addressing it effectively can be a real challenge.
The first step in responding is to consider the context of the relationship between you and the person that threw the shade. If and how you respond depends on the nature of the relationship. You might respond differently if it’s a coworker or your best friend. How important is it to you to respond in this situation? Given that this is a typical pattern of behavior, chances are you have already let it go several times before you finally feel like you need to say something. In the moment that the behavior happens, pause and take a breath. Unstick yourself from the emotion and resist the temptation to respond in kind. It’s only natural to want to fire back with your own shot to express feelings of anger or annoyance. However, doing so impulsively when you're in the heat of the moment may lead you to say or do things that might cause more damage or make a bad situation worse. It’s possible that they really want you to respond aggressively so don’t play their game. Taking a moment to stop and breathe before you respond helps you stay calm and consider how to respond. Address the behavior directly and hold the person accountable for their behavior. Asking them: “What do you mean by that?” puts them on the spot to answer and explain themselves. You can also make a statement describing the behavior, such as: “I’ve noticed you have been late for our last four meetings” to address someone who is chronically late. Make sure you don’t have any edge to your tone of voice or any nonverbal signs of anger. Be as specific and descriptive as possible about the issue at hand. Don’t apologize if you haven’t done anything you feel is wrong. Consider setting clear boundaries with the person about what behavior is ok and not ok with you, or maybe even limiting your contact with them. Make sure that when you walk away from the interaction, you can hold your head up high and continue to like yourself. Empower yourself to take control of the situation and not let passive aggressive behavior get the best of you.
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AuthorDr. Kim Guarascio, PhD is a New York State Licensed Psychologist who has been providing treatment for teens, young adults and adults for nearly 20 years in Central New York. The focus of her professional career has been centered on the empowerment of women, particularly those who have experienced trauma and abuse. Archives
November 2023
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