Most people have experienced the heartbreak of loving someone who just doesn’t love you back. Sometimes it’s complicated by the fact that at one time, they did have feelings for you, and you felt wonderful about the relationship. In other situations, maybe you are great friends, but they just don’t feel the same way about you. Sometimes things just don’t work out and you agree to end things. These are painful realities that can be difficult to accept and make it hard to move forward. The pain of a breakup or end to a relationship can seem unbearable and it can seem impossible to stop feeling that hurt. Marsha Linehan (2015) in her work on emotion regulation, suggests that it is possible to change how you feel about a situation in certain circumstances by using a skill called opposite action. This is a skill for use when the emotion that you are feeling does NOT fit the facts of the situation, or when acting on your emotion in that situation is NOT effective. How can feeling love not fit the facts of the situation? Let’s say that you have had a crush on someone for years. You have been friends with the person, and you finally get up enough nerve to tell them how you feel only to find out that they don’t have the same kind of feelings for you. Would that cause heartache and pain, absolutely! To feel sadness and disappointment certainly fit the facts of this situation. However, if after this conversation you continue to have feelings of love for this person for several months afterwards, what can happen? Emotional pain can certainly lead to difficulty accepting the facts of the situation. Who wants to feel the hurt associated with rejection? Continuing to have feelings of love for someone who doesn’t return those feelings does not fit the facts of the situation and continuing to act on the emotion of love is most definitely not effective. While having feelings of love for the person you are in a relationship with does fit the facts of a situation, they no longer fit the facts or are particularly effective when you have broken up.
So what is opposite action and how do you use it? This skill seeks to change emotion by first identifying the emotion you are feeling, then the action urge associated with the emotion, and then acting opposite to the action urge associated with the emotion. Love fits the facts of a situation when loving a person, animal, or object enhances the quality of life for you or for those that you care about. Love also fits the facts of the situation when loving a person, animal or object increases your changes of attaining your own personal goals. In other words, love fits the facts of the situation when your overall life is more satisfying, happier, or is line with your personal life goals. When your love is not justified by the facts, or is not effective – meaning it doesn’t work, you then want to act opposite to the emotion. It is important when practicing opposite action as a skill to do it “all the way” – meaning no half-hearted attempts at the skill. What are the action urges associated with feelings of love? When you love someone, you feel the urge to be with them as much as you would like and spend time with them. You often find yourself thinking of the other person, doing nice things for them, or showing them affection. Therefore, the OPPOSITE ACTIONS for love are first to avoid the person. Don’t call them, don’t drive by their house, and don’t stalk their Facebook page or other social media.“All-the-way” opposite action means avoiding everything that reminds you of the person you love. Pictures, messages, emails, belongings, and little mementos need to be put away, thrown out or deleted. It also means no following them, waiting for, or showing up places you think you might run into them. That also includes in video games, social media, and other online activities. No contact means no contact. The more you continue to have contact with people, places and things that remind you of your love, it will only reinforce unjustified feelings of love and prolong the hurt you are feeling. Another action urge associated with feelings of love is expressing those feelings for the person to them, or even to friends. You want to withdraw warmth and don’t act friendly towards them. That doesn’t mean being rude or aggressive, it means to stop talking about them, especially on social media. This can be a really difficult step, as many people want to maintain some level of contact with their ex love. Once again, this only prolongs the inevitable and takes that much longer to be ready to move on. If you can’t totally avoid being around the person you have feelings of love for, you have to adjust your way of interacting with them. This is particularly hard when you have to work with your ex-love. It means that you have to avoid staring at the person, leaning in towards him or her, and getting into their personal space. These actions communicate a level of intimacy that no longer exists, so you do not want to continue to act like it does. No more flirty looks, or stopping by their desk or office to say hello. Taking these steps may be difficult, but they will help you heal your heartache and help you get on with your life. Clearing up your emotions from the past will help you to make room for new people, animals, and experiences that will return your feelings and bring you the love you are looking for and deserve. Everyone is deserving of love, acceptance, and affection and it is important not to settle for less in a relationship. Empower yourself to let go of the past, heal, and find the love you want in your life.
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AuthorDr. Kim Guarascio, PhD is a New York State Licensed Psychologist who has been providing treatment for teens, young adults and adults for nearly 20 years in Central New York. The focus of her professional career has been centered on the empowerment of women, particularly those who have experienced trauma and abuse. Archives
November 2023
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