A mother was making a special Easter dinner, and her young daughter was helping her out in preparing the big feast. The daughter was in charge of making the salad, while Mom turned her attention to getting the ham into the oven. As she was chopping vegetables for the salad, the daughter noticed her Mom taking a big knife and cutting off the end of the ham. “Hey Mom, why did you do that?” the daughter asked.
Mom paused for a moment and said “Do what?” looking genuinely confused. “Cut the end off of the ham,” the daughter said. She paused for a second, and said: “You know, I’m not sure! I’ve always just done it this way. Come to think about it, Grandma always does it this way.” “Yeah, but why?” the daughter asked. “Seems like a waste of ham,” she said as she returned to chopping vegetables. Mom thought for a minute and said, “Well, let’s ask her.” She picked up her phone and Facetimed her mother, who was getting ready to come over for dinner. “Hey Mom, we’ve got a question for you,” she said. Grandma looked a little surprised and said: “Oh yeah? Well ask away!” “So Mom, you know how we cut the end off of the ham. Why do we do that exactly? I mean does it seal in the juices or something? Does it cut down on the cooking time?” Mom asked. Grandma stopped for a second to consider the question. “Well, I’m not exactly sure. Never really thought about it before. I guess that is the way my mother always did it.” After a brief conversation about the benefits of cutting off the end of the ham, Grandma finally said, “There’s one way to settle this. Let’s call Great Grandma!” So they hung up and Grandma dialed her mother’s number. After a few rings, she picked up the phone. Grandma relayed the conversation that she had just had with her daughter, and then asked her why she had always cut the end off of the Easter ham. Great grandma began to laugh. “Oh you silly girls!” she said. “I always cut the end off of the ham because I never had a pan big enough to roast it in!”* I love sharing this story with my clients, because it really demonstrates how family patterns develop and get passed down from generation to generation. Certain attitudes, beliefs, and perspectives are handed down the family tree. Some of these are harmless, such as cutting the end off of the Easter ham, and some can be helpful. Unfortunately, there are other family patterns that can be a destructive influence in your life. Children absorb information and swallow it whole. They haven’t reached the point developmentally where they are able to critically evaluate or judge information they receive. This is why the behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs modeled to children are so powerful and can set up lasting ways of interacting with the world for many years to come. Several different studies have determined that children who witness domestic violence are more likely to experience domestic violence as adults -- either as victims or perpetrators of abuse. People are often unaware of the silent messages they receive that help form the lens through which they see the world. Some of the most powerful messages we get are nonverbal, indirect interactions between family members. In order to break more destructive behaviors or habits, it’s important to become aware of your own family legacy and how it may be negatively impacting your current family and relationships. Take a look at your own family of origin. Who was present within the family system and who was absent, either physically or emotionally? How would you characterize the relationships between your family members? How were emotions communicated (or not explicitly communicated) among family? You can’t change what you do not first acknowledge. Once you have an understanding of your family patterns, you then want to explore the impact this has had in your life. Are the beliefs, habits, or ways of interacting with people serving you? Being aware of your family legacy and taking ownership of how it has influenced your beliefs, assumptions, and interpretations of events is an important step to making lasting changes. Take a look at your current behaviors and relationships. How is your legacy showing up in your present relationships? Is this consistent with your values and who you are as a person? Is it consistent with your priorities and goals for your life? Ask yourself, “Is this who I really want to be? How do I want those who are close to me to feel when they think about me?” Let the answers to these questions guide your choices as you move forward with awareness of your family patterns. *Story borrowed from the book “10 Greatest Gifts I Gave My Children: Parenting from the Heart” by Steven Vannoy (2014).
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AuthorDr. Kim Guarascio, PhD is a New York State Licensed Psychologist who has been providing treatment for teens, young adults and adults for nearly 20 years in Central New York. The focus of her professional career has been centered on the empowerment of women, particularly those who have experienced trauma and abuse. Archives
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