The beginning of a relationship is often the best time. Feeling that rush of emotion, finding common interests, and doing fun things together that solidify a path forward together. Endings on the other hand, can be really tough. Sometimes you aren’t sure if you want to end things, so you hang on and try a million things to make things different. Or you might know you should end things, but have tried and don’t seem to be able to make it stick. Other times you feel overwhelmed and not really sure what to do. How does someone figure out if a relationship isn’t working any more? Linehan (2015)* describes two different kinds of relationships that are likely no longer serving you. A destructive relationship destroys or negatively impacts either the quality of the relationship or aspects of yourself – such as your physical safety, self-esteem or sense of integrity, and your happiness or peace of mind. A relationship is considered an interfering relationship if it blocks or makes it difficult to pursue goals that are important to you; if it impedes your ability to enjoy life and do things you like to do; causes issues with other relationships that are important to you; or negatively impacts the welfare of people you care about.
If you find yourself in relationships like these, it is likely that you have thought about ending it or maybe even tried to a few times before. Breaking off a relationship and making it stick means that you have to be clear in your own mind that you are really ready to end it. It is important to avoid making big decisions when you are in an argument or your emotions are overwhelming you. You need to be calm, and to look at the facts of the situation without being overly influenced by emotions. If after you calmly consider your wants, needs and priorities and decide that the relationship is really important to you, is NOT a destructive relationship, and there is good reason to believe it could be improved, then you can try problem solving to try and repair it instead of ending it altogether. For example, if you have been friends with someone since you were in middle school, and suddenly you find that she is no longer returning your texts and phone calls. Problem solving can be useful here to try and identify the problem and what to do about it. If they won’t respond to texts or calls, maybe you let them know you will stop by because you are concerned. You might want to reach out to people important to them to see if they have heard from or have seen your friend. Maybe you check out their social media to see if they have been active there at all. At any rate, when a relationship is important to you, don’t end the relationship without making some sort of effort to repair it. So if you have thought it over and decided that ending things is the best course of action, you want to develop a plan for how to approach the break up conversation. Cope ahead is a great skill to troubleshoot all of the things that you anticipate could happen when you have the breakup conversation. It actually helps you practice what you will say and do ahead of time, so that you are less likely to get overwhelmed by emotions in the moment because you have rehearsed it. It is very important to be clear and direct when you tell someone you are ending it. Avoid making excuses or being vague. Don’t use wishy-washy language. Describe your reasons for the breakup and express your feelings about it. Tell them that you have been thinking about this for a while, and you think it is better for both of you if you end the relationship now. Be clear about what you want, and what you don’t want moving forward. Also make sure you reinforce what is in it for the other person by accepting your decision (i.e. “I’d rather move forward peacefully than cause you any more hurt;” “I think ending things now is difficult, but we both know this isn’t working and we both deserve to be happy”). Validate the other person’s feelings, such as anger or hurt and at the same time describe your issues with the relationship using the facts. Make sure you are mindful of your nonverbal messages to make sure you aren’t negating what you are saying with your body language. Here is where you need to stand your ground. Use the broken record technique if the person has difficulty accepting it – just keep repeating the same phrase over and over again (i.e. “I know that this is really hard, and I think we just need to move on from each other”). Another key point is to avoid over apologizing. You don’t want to apologize for ending the relationship, for their hurt feelings, or for everything you may or may not have done in the relationship because that will erode your sense of self-respect after the conversation is over. Don’t sugar coat things – tell the truth!! Don’t tell someone “it’s me – not you!” if that isn’t the truth. You also want to be fair. Don’t blame the other person for everything – a relationship means that both people play a role when it works, and when it doesn’t work. Always remember that your safety is the primary priority in the situation. If there is any history of abusive behavior or life threatening behaviors (i.e. making threats on your life), it is important to reach out for help to come up with plan to maintain your safety. You can call the Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) or contact them at www.thehotline.org for help with your breakup plan and refer you to a trained professional in your area. * Information taken from Linehan (2015) Interpersonal Handout 13: Ending Relationships.
1 Comment
Ashelywells
2/22/2024 04:24:56 am
Thanks God Bless! Thank you again, Great work………
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AuthorDr. Kim Guarascio, PhD is a New York State Licensed Psychologist who has been providing treatment for teens, young adults and adults for nearly 20 years in Central New York. The focus of her professional career has been centered on the empowerment of women, particularly those who have experienced trauma and abuse. Archives
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